My new philosophy

In order to connect with my inner child and to empathize with my son, I will behave like a three year old for the next month or so.
From now on, when frustrated, I’m going to scream at the top of my lungs and throw things. The volume and number of items thrown will be inversely [...]

Ow! Not in the eye!

Sweetie? Pumpkin butter? Love? Mommy doesn’t want to talk about this right now.
Why?
Well, first of all, Mommy is driving. At breakneck pace to get you home on time after a long ass day of doing everything you want. Mommy is trying to concentrate. Also, in rolling my eyes at your question, the same question you’ve [...]

Crossroads

I’m at a defining moment in my parenting career. I’ve espoused ideals about raising the next generation to do better—be better—than previous generations. To raise a thoughtful, intelligent, wonderful creature. And if that really is my goal, I have to step up to the plate now. Because it’s go time.
But I’m not sure if I’m [...]

Surreal carolling

The only holiday music I’ve heard today:
Working in the living room, which faces the street, I heard young voices singing. We live on a quiet street, so I heard at least 100 feet’s worth of the musical walk home from school of three high school girls. Their carol of choice?
“Summer Lovin’” from Grease.
Happy Holidays throughout [...]

Voice-activated Hell

Today, even though I felt like death warmed over, TMobile called, and the whore they (don’t) pay to harass me wanted to rumble.
Okay, so I understand why companies are shelving all their workers and turning to computers. Sure, it saves a few bucks. Sure, it helps the American economy by putting money into the pockets [...]

Can’t stop laughing

I’m really not okay with linking to another blog as my post, but I can’t help it. My abs hurt from laughing so hard, and the only mascara I’ve worn in two months is dripping onto my “hey, you’ve taken out your contacts, shouldn’t you be in bed” glasses.
http://thebloggess.com/
Have at it. Twisted, hilarious FREAK, she [...]

So I’ve mentioned before what a weirdo I’m raising. Not to be dismissive or judgemental or anything. But he’s a weirdo of untoward proportions. This coming from a HUGE weirdo.
I’m taking a shower in the new house, and he comes running in. “Mommy. I need you, I call you.” Um, there’s a few words missing [...]

Does this thing take quarters?

On a long drive home today, I put in a CD and heard a lovely, nostalgic sound–a jukebox swallowing a quarter. My CD player, however, is not a jukebox, and just after the quarter dropped the right speaker went out. Then a high pitched squeal. Then the left speaker went out. I turned around to [...]

Fire fighters in bite-sized, 100-calorie packs

Have you seen the Chronicle Books imprint’s book Porn for New Moms? Hilarious. Pictures of men tending a baby while vacuuming, cooking dinner while cooing at an infant, and so on. Fully clothed (mostly, except the shot that offers to rub your feet while you talk about baby’s day), and only erotic in that “actually [...]

Oy, you’re gonna be a great teenager

So Peanut bangs his head on the toilet paper holder and begins to cry. I make a sad face, kiss the red spot,  and cuddle him. He flips his face up to look at me and says, giggling, “Peanut laughing at Mommy sadness.”
You still call a truck a “doot” but you can say that you’re [...]